I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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