Please, let me fuck your mom
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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