Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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