I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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