I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You are a genius and a whore.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
