I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
