"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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