If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
