I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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