Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
