My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
