The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
