It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
