Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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