You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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