I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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