He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
