I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
