I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
