probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
