saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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