how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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