Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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