Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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