why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
