my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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