It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
