My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
