who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
