If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
