who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
