Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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