last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
