I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
