he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
