why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
