My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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