you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
