when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
whose ass print is on the piano?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
