Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
