Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
