i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
