mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
