Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize