Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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