I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
