I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
