Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
