its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
