I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
