How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
