i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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