I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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