I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
