Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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