My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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