Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
