Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
