so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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